BETWEEN FAITH AND FEAR

Photo credits @nate_dumlao

BETWEEN FAITH AND FEAR   

God, where are you?

Ever since I first felt fear

At the end of each school term

I affirm

Or the death of someone dear

I’ve been looking for you

For a sign or a clue

In a street child’s smile

Or the pristine morning dew

I’ve looked everywhere

From images to idols

And even in thin air

Seeking answers

And solace too

Often wondering

Just where are you?

I’ve prayed on my beside

As a child dewy eyed  

With knees bent in orison   

And tightly clasped hands

Holding on to the strands

Of my wishes and whims

In imitation of what

We saw in films
Back in the day

Stories as soft as soufflé
Aerated with magic and wonder

In which
Through lightning and thunder

A fairy would manifest

Cuddly and warm in the breast

Like Grandma, she was
Crinkly and old
But with a heart of gold

And she'd wave her magical wand

And respond

To the person's every wish

That were swiftly granted

And thus a seed of hope

In me planted

That You do exist

O God!

Beyond the silver screen

The stars and the moonbeam

I was certain

Was your abode

And I’d look up at the night sky

And unload

All of my worries and trepidations

Secure in the knowledge

However slim

That even if man failed You

You would never fail him.

But then I grew up

And with it, my cynicism too

As I witnessed suffering all around

And misery abound

Brother killing brother

Man butchering kids

Something I was sure

Every religion forbids

And I again began asking

Just where are you God?

Have you gone AWOL

Don’t You hear the children bawl

As their cries rent the air

And man’s overwhelming despair

Stricken with sadness and grief

He soldiers on in the belief

That You have his back

And will never let him slip

Through the cracks

Then why O God

Do you let him plunder and kill

With impunity and thrill

When even a leaf can’t rustle

They say

Without Your sacred sanction

Without Your supreme will

I ruminate and ponder

As Your world

Bit by bit

Is blown asunder.

But even as I write this

I cannot dismiss

The fact

That through all the suffering and pain

That one cannot hide or feign

Behind a cryptic smile

Or a happy Facebook profile

I’ve witnessed some miracles too

Coincidences out of the blue

So as I split hairs

My heart says that You’re out there

Somewhere….

Keeping a watchful eye

So that

Things don’t go completely awry

But my head

It refuses to bite the bait

That You will mutely spectate 

When so much is going askew

So, I continue to look

For a sign or a clue

In the blossoming of a bud

Or nature’s myriad hues

Everywhere,

From holy books to prayers

In happiness and despair

Seeking answers

And solace too

This quest, I pursue

Often wondering

O God, just where are you?

                        - Priti Singh